


the son of all i've done

by paperthinn



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, F/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 09:42:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19270672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperthinn/pseuds/paperthinn
Summary: PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING THE STORY -12 months can be a very long time.





	the son of all i've done

**Author's Note:**

> This story holds scenes detailing panic attacks, a suicide attempt, and I tried to make the ending as happy as possible. This was requested by Eli, who actually gave me this idea months ago.

**6 months in -**

 

The hiatus has been long enough already, Tyler thinks as he leans over his notepad. It’s scribbled with meaningless lyrics, random doodles, and stupid thoughts. In reality, they’ve only been gone for 6 months, and even that is driving Tyler insane. No social media, no connection to their fans, nothing. Although he’s checked in with everything, it’s on personal accounts. He can’t ruin their plans.

Tyler has writer's block now, and frankly, he’s terrified of how long it’s going to take him to get back into the swing of things.

 

**

**6.5 months in -**

 

Tyler hasn’t seen Josh in a while, and he can’t remember the last time he saw Jenna either. He’s been locked in his basement, his studio, wrapped up in lyrics and chords, and nothing’s coming together. Tyler sleeps in his studio as well, locking the door, and putting on headphones so he can’t hear Jenna’s calls to  _ come out, Tyler!  _

_ Maybe it’s not healthy, _ Tyler thinks,  _ but what else is there to do?  _ He ponders leaving, just to see Jenna, maybe. He shakes his head, this is important to him. He has a deadline in another 5 or 6 months. Tyler doesn’t know how useful he is anymore. What type of disappointment spends 6 and a half months in his basement? Tyler scolds himself.

Maybe leaving the basement would be good for him.

 

**

**7 months in -**

 

Tyler can’t sleep. He’s exhausted, ignoring Jenna more than ever now, even deleting any texts from Josh he gets.  _ Disappointment,  _ his mind shouts,  _ You don’t even the guts to talk to your wife or your best friend.  _ Tyler cries every now and then, telling himself off afterward because he has work to do, and crying about petty problems isn’t helpful.

“Why can’t I think of anything already?!” Tyler shouts, swiping everything off his desk angrily. His pens and papers fly everywhere, Tyler collapses in his chair, rubbing over his eyes. He’s done with this, considers quitting, but  _ what would that mean for the fans?  _ He can’t bring himself to disappoint those who support him, and the choice he faces swallows him under into a deep despair that just makes Tyler feel worse.

 

**

**8 months in -**

 

_ Pathetic.  _ Tyler breathes in a shaky breath, shaking his head to rid his thoughts. 

_ Disgusting.  _ His throat is closing in, Tyler thinks he should go up and talk to Jenna. She can calm him down, after all. Human interaction would be nice. It’s been a few months.

_ Worthless piece of shit. You can’t do anything. Your fans need you, and you think about quitting? Maybe you should.  _ Tyler’s eyes tear up, he can’t breathe, hands clutching the side of the desk. It’ll be over soon, he tells himself, squeezing his eyes shut. His head begins to pound.

_ Maybe you should just end it. Think about it. Oh wait, you can’t. You’re worthless, Tyler, just end it.  _ Tyler gets up, he stumbles, searching for his emergency medication. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t  _ fucking  _ breathe, his vision blurry.

_ End it.  _ Tyler gasps for air. He should get Jenna or maybe call Josh. Josh would understand. What trouble had he caused his marriage, though? Jenna probably hates him. So does Josh. Josh wouldn’t understand. Not after months of being ignored.

_ End it.  _ The voice repeats itself, Tyler’s vision clears enough to see a rope, the one left over from building his studio. He’s crying now. No, this can’t be happening. Tyler’s choking, his entire existence burning with the need to  _ breathe,  _ but he can’t. Tyler can barely let a sob escape him, tripping over his own feet. He didn’t realize he was pleading until the moment he stumbles to the other side of the room, reaching for the rope. Pleading for it to stop, crying and begging as his hands shake.

A loud ringing noise echoes in Tyler’s ears, his head and heart are pounding, the rope is in his hands and he can’t stop himself as he pulls it into a knot. There’s a chair on the other side of the room, Tyler stumbles to it.  _ It’ll be over soon,  _ Tyler tells himself, trying to catch his breath. He’s tired, overworked, and everyone seems to be relying on him to meet the deadline. He has nothing. 

Tyler doesn’t register much of anything until his socked feet are standing on the hard surface of the wooden chair, his fingers curling in the rough texture of the rope around his neck. It pinches him in a way, but it’s not too unpleasant. He takes a deep breath, barely being able to inhale correctly, and begs for the ringing to stop.

_ Do it,  _ The voice shouts, louder than Tyler ever thought was imaginable,  _ Kill yourself.  _ It’s so loud, Tyler’s crying and he tells himself that it’s okay. Nobody will care. It’ll all be fine. Tyler steps forwards some, bracing himself, squeezing his eyes closed so the room stops spinning. Balls of paper lay everywhere, pens that are out of ink thrown around the room. His foot goes forwards, and-

“Tyler!” A voice gasps, Tyler hears rapid footsteps, and he slips. He goes down, his head easily slipping from the rope, gasping for breath. His mind doesn’t register that he’s not suffocating, arms wrapped tight around his body, but they’re not his. His hands claw at someone else’s shoulders, curling up into himself. He hears knees hit the ground, thinks maybe they’re his, but he doesn’t  _ feel  _ it. Fingers drag through his scalp, holding him close, and Tyler’s fingers curl into the soft fabric of a shirt, “Tyler, you’re okay. Shh, you’re okay.” Tyler recognizes the voice, it’s  _ Josh,  _ who’s holding his shaking body into his chest as if to keep him safe.

“Josh,” Tyler rubs his forehead over Josh’s chest, gasping for breath, “Make it stop.” He pleads, Josh rocks him back and forth. The floor underneath them is cold, any other warmth Tyler’s feeling coming from Josh, whose limbs are tangled with his. Josh’s arms are secured around his lower back, holding him closer than Tyler thinks they’ve ever been, the throbbing in his head continuing.

“Everything’s going to be okay. God, Tyler,” Josh breathes out, leaning his head against Tyler’s, “You look so tired. I doubt you’ve slept. You’re safe.” Josh reassures him, bringing his arm up to Tyler’s upper back. His hand catches Tyler’s head, pressing it to his chest, inhaling a deep breath. Tyler tries to match it, his hands shaking. He realizes they’re still wrapped in Josh’s shirt, loosening his grip.

His mind races, Tyler scolding himself for ever thinking about suicide in the first place. That doesn’t keep him from crying as his mind tries to wrap around the fact that Josh is here, from California, and that he’s alive. Josh places a kiss on his shoulder, trying to ground his best friend, and then presses his lips to Tyler's temple. He closes his eyes, ignoring the ache in his knees, and breathes heavily, thanking God when Tyler begins to calm down.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Josh, I'm sorry," Tyler speaks in a pathetic whimper, clinging to Josh's chest. Josh squeezes him, Tyler can feel it, holding his eyes closed. He's scared to face Josh, scared to look his best friend in the face after all of this.

"No no, don't apologize. You're overwhelmed, Tyler. I'm just glad I got here in time. God, Tyler, if I had known…" Josh trails off, his hand finding Tyler's cheek. He tilts Tyler's face up, pressing another kiss to his temple. It's more loving in a best friend way than in a romantic way. Tyler starts to cry again, his throat burning as he realizes he’s still breathing, he’s still alive. Josh presses Tyler’s shaking figure closer, wrapping Tyler up in hopes of protecting him from everything around him.

Josh cries too, but Tyler doesn’t notice.

 

**

**12 months in -**

 

Everything goes in a blur as Tyler and Josh release  _ Jumpsuit  _ together. Jenna doesn’t pry when Josh tells her what happened, glad to know her husband is safe. She reassures him that he can talk to her about anything. Tyler hates to admit that he’s heard it before.

“Thank you,” Tyler says to everyone who congratulated him, trying to smile. It’s harder to thank everyone when they have no idea what it took to get there. Josh still has to hold him some nights, rid him of the nightmares, but Tyler’s okay.

They’re both okay.

  
  



End file.
